I didn't get the chance to grow up with my dad. I grew up with an asshole for a step dad until he died and then it was a single parent home. I'm not bitter about my upbringing. I love me and how I turned out. I'm more independant than quite a few people my age, and I love that about myself. I don't even think about it most of the time, but today, it has been on my mind.
Like I said a few blogs ago, I'm staying at my dads house in Jamaica. My dad moved back to Jamaica at the very end of my eigth grade year and within a few months he started his "new family". Now I never had any high hopes of my parents getting together so I didn't care, but as I see my little brother and sister interact with my dad, I know that we will never have the relationship he will have with them.
There are no hard feelings between me and my dad. My childhood was just fine and he had a presence, I wasn't abandoned. He just wasn't there, living with me and having a say in everyday decisions. Even still, I dont even ask his opinion, I go over things with my mother, make a decision, then notify him.. That's just how it is.
I watched my little brother and sister throw around "I love you's" and run to him laughing and smiling with nothing but trust. I can't do that. It's strange to watch my dad, the man that was barely in my life and is still barely there now, it's hard to watch him be a good dad to them. My "I love you's" are few and calculated. I never want to say them because I dont want to feel obligated later. Sounds bad, I know. Please forgive me. This is how I view all relationships though. I only tell people I love them if I truely mean it and I think I'll mean it forever.
I dont look at all this as negative, just different. I have been in love, once, and he broke my heart. I survived, bounced back and screwed up massively with the next guy. I thought I cared more than I really did, and as a result gave more of myself than I should have, but I'm good now.
While I do love my family, I will admit, growing up without him ruined our relationship. I think there is a cap on how close we can get. There is just so much he doesn't know about me, and so much I'll probably never share. We, the women of the fatherless tribe, we love differently, we love carefully.
This was pretty deep. I was thinking though, instead of (or in addition to) trying to make amends with lost friends, why not add your father to the bucket list? You say that the relationship you have with him has trickled down and negatively affected the way you love in general, and that's pretty BIG deal. It will probably be the hardest thing you ever do (and will be a very long process), but the emotional and spiritual rewards will be well worth the effort. He may not know what to say. He'll most likely say a lot of the wrong things because he's struggling with this too, and like you said, doesn't really know you (plus he's old, and old people are stupid, Lol). But you've been so patient and understanding with people who were never worth your time. He's your father, let him have all the chances you given them. This is the concept of unconditional love, the kind you should be trying to build with him.
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