A letter to the brokenhearted..

I don't claim to be an expert in this love game by any means. I can only speak on what I know and what I've experienced for myself. I haven't really blogged in a while, not because I had nothing to say but more because I had nothing that I absolutely had to share with the entire world. Nothing that was so important, it couldn't be expressed in 140 characters or less. But today I do.

Honestly, life has been good for the last few months and a part of me wishes I had shared a little more of the good with you. But hey, what can you do..

I saw an ex-boyfriend today. Now I use the term "boyfriend" loosely just to save us both a little time and aggravation as I try to explain our dynamic. Anyhoo, I  saw an ex today. This is only the second time I've seen him since our last huge fight which happened on Valentine's Day ironically.

Before this year I had never really had an amazing Valentine's but I never really had a bad one either. I'll save you the dirty details, even though I'm sure you'd love to know them, and just say it wasn't a good day.

Right now, I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to get over someone. I know it can be done but I cant quite get used to this person who had once been on the short list of truly important people in my life becoming nobody to me.

It's like good things are less exciting because this other person is no longer there to celebrate with me and bad things are worse because he's not there to make me feel better. Maybe that's why I haven't been blogging. I've always been a realistic person. I know that a bad day is not the end of the world and I know this isn't the end all, be all of men. I also know he had some major flaws that made it inevitable for us to part ways but that doesn't make me miss him less.

I share this because the number of women that I know who have felt exactly what I'm feeling or will feel what I'm feeling is endless and sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone. Sometimes it's nice to know that no matter how much another woman may look like everything is ok and everything is perfectly together, some guy has broken her heart. And if that has never happened to her, that means she has never truely loved anyone, and at the risk of sounding cliche, I'd say that's worse than the heartbreak. Think about it, would you give up every good thing that has every happened between the two of you just to save yourself this moment right now? I wouldn't.

Like I said before, I'm not an expert but I'll share one small piece of advice. Ignoring the issue doesn't help. Pretending to be ok will not ever be equivalent to actually being ok. Even if you trick yourself into believing it, at some point something will happen to prove to you that you have not gotten past it. For me, it was the first time I saw him again. It happened two months after we ended things. Two whole months of silence, and rarely a second thought. Then he walked into my job, unexpected, and just like that I completely fell apart. I started to cry.

I had envisioned what it would be like when we say each other again. Always thought I'd look great, feel great and have one of my signature sarcastic remarks ready to prove that I was perfectly fine if not better without him. Instead I there I was in a Popeye's uniform, hair pulled back under a visor and I could barely speak. I didn't even look him in the eye. I felt weak.

Since then I changed my tactics, I don't ignore how I feel anymore. I remember the good and the bad. I allow myself to miss him. I allow myself to think about him. I allow myself to let go naturally and it's working. I saw him again today. I wasn't happy but there were no tears. I'm truly letting go and it feels good.

Desi